Clarence the Cow
Issue #13
by Tom Zjaba
Chapter 13
Madmen and Muppets
Clarence walks onto the set of Sesame Street and looks around. He has never been on a television set before and is amazed. He sees cameras, microphones and equipment all over the place. There is also people moving everywhere. It is like a bee hive, with all the activity. Clarence just stands there and just watches in awe. He was so used to the slow pace of a cow's life. This hustle and bustle world of humans takes some getting used to.
As he stares at all the action, a man walks up and introduces himself. "Hello! You must be Clarence the Cow. My name is Dave, I am the director." Clarence smiles at him and shakes his hand. He then shakes Betty Lee's hand. "I am guessing this is your first time on a television set." Dave says as he looks at how wide eyed Clarence is. "I never knew there were so many people involved in making a television show." He laughs as he puts his arm around Clarence. "Come with me and I will introduce you to some of the guys."
While Dave takes Clarence for a meet and greet, two of the puppeteers are watching and talking. The first puppeteer looks at Clarence the rest of them as they walk around the studio and says to the other puppeteer "Real animals talking, is this the beginning of the end for us?" The second puppeteer shakes his head no as he replies "No way! It is just one talking cow, nothing more." The first puppeteer looks at him and says "I hope you are right because no matter how good we are, we cannot compete with that." The second puppeteer nods his head yes and says "When the talking chicken shows up, then I will start look for another job."
With the introductions out of the way, Dave prepares Clarence for the first scene. "We are going to start with you meeting Big Bird. Here are your lines." He hands the script to Clarence, who is unsure what to do. Betty Lee quickly jumps in and points to lines and says "You will say the lines that have your name in front of them." Clarence looks at them and reads them "Hello Big Bird, how are you today?" As he says that, Big Bird walks onto the set "Hello Clarence the Cow, I am doing fine. How are you?" Clarence's eyes light up like a little kid on Christmas. "You're Big Bird!" Betty Lee jumps in "Ummm.. Clarence, this is your next line." But he ignores it as he says "You really are a Big Bird." Big Bird shakes his hoof and says "And you are really a big cow." Betty Lee looks over at the director and says "I am really sorry that he is not following his lines." The director just smiles and says "No problem, we are used to it. Everyone gets like that when they first meet Big Bird." She smiles as she watches Clarence's face light up as the two of them talk.
The day wears on as Clarence does numerous scenes. From Ernie and Bert to Elmo, Clarence gets to meet and work with many of the popular Muppets. While he does not know any of them, he gets excited each and every time. The whole concept of Muppets is new to him and very fascinating. While he still does not understand it all, he thinks the concept is great. And he is having a wonderful time. And so are the kids on the show, who are used to the whole Muppet concept, but a real talking animal is completely different. This involves no Hollywood magic. Clarence is the real deal.
Once the shooting wraps up, the group heads out and is immediately greeted by the men from NBC. "How did it go?" Richard asks Clarence. The big smile on his face tells it all, but he answers the question anyway "That was awesome! I am going to be on television with Big Bird!" They all laugh at his wide eyed innocence. "Glad you enjoyed it. Ready for some lunch?" Clarence nods yes. "Great, we made some reservations at one of New York's finest pizzerias. You do like pizza?" Clarence nods his head yes even bigger than before. Betty Lee quickly jumps in "It is one of his favorites." Richard smiles and says "Then let's go! You haven't lived until you had New York style pizza."
Looking through his scope, Mitch aims at the bottles he has on a fence. He has four bottles lined up and is trying out his new rifle. "Steady." he says as he peers through the scope. With the bottle in the target area, he squeezes the trigger and sends the bullet flying. As the salesman promised, he hits the bottle right on, shattering it into many pieces. "Bull's-eye!" he says with a big smile. He then aims at the next one and has the same success. "Look out Clarence the Cow. If I can't own you, then no one will." He then shoots another bottle. A smile comes over his face as he aims and takes out the last bottle.
Sitting around a large table in the pizzeria, the group are enjoying breadsticks as they wait for their pizzas. Like every other place they have gone, everyone is looking at their table. All eyes are on Clarence the Cow, who is enjoying the breadsticks. Betty Lee tries to get him to slow down saying "Don't fill up on breadsticks or you won't have any room for the pizza." Charles jumps in and says "Don't worry, he has like what...eight stomachs or something. I doubt he will fill all of them with breadsticks." Everyone turns and looks at him as he feels a bit uncomfortable. He was trying to make a joke, but he does not have a sense of humor. Ashton jumps in and says "Maybe if you're nice Charles, Clarence will share some of his cud with you." The whole table breaks out laughing. Everyone except Charles and Clarence. Clarence turns to Betty Lee and asks "What is cud?" She stops herself from laughing and answers "You know when you eat something and then it comes back up and you chew it some more? That's cud." A puzzled look comes over his face. "Why do they call it cud?" She thinks for a moment and when an answer does not come to her, she simply says "I don't know." Clarence then asks "If you don't know why it's called cud, why did they name it at all?" Charles jumps in, trying to look smart and trying to get the out from being the butt of the joke. "Us humans name everything." Clarence turns to him and asks "Why?" Not expecting another question, Charles squirms a bit in his seat. "What do you mean why?" Clarence looks at him and says "Why do humans name everything?" Before he has a chance to answer, Richard jumps in "The reason we name everything is for communication. Since we communicate so much with words, we need to name everything so that we could easily understand what someone is trying to say." Clarence thinks about it for a minute and then smiles "That makes sense." He then returns to eating his breadsticks.
After a few minutes, the waiter comes out with five extra large pizzas. Two are veggie, one cheese, one pepperoni and one with sausage. The waiter brings out two at a time and the manager comes to help. He also brings a camera and asks "Mr. Cow, would you let me take a picture to add to my wall?" Clarence nods yes. He then aims the camera at him and says "Smile!" He takes the picture and says "I am going to put this right up there next to Jerry Seinfeld." As they look at all the pizzas, Clarence points to the ones with sausage and pepperoni and asks "What is that?" Betty Lee quickly jumps in and says "Those are sausage and pepperoni." Clarence looks at her and asks "Are they good?" She squirms a bit as she has not dealt with the subject of meat yet. "Well, some people like them." Clarence then reaches for a piece of sausage pizza and eats it. A smile comes over his face. "That is really good. What is sausage, I have never had anything like that?" Betty Lee thinks how to answer it and finally decides to just be honest. "It is meat, made from pig." Clarence is unsure what she is talking about. "From a pig? Is it like how you get milk from a cow?" Betty Lee looks down as she answer him. "Well, not really. See, to get sausage, you have to kill the pig." A shocked look comes over Clarence's face. "Kill the pig?" he says in a worried voice. Betty Lee pauses for a moment, hoping that someone will jump in and help out. But no one comes to her aid, so she fields the question herself. "Yes, humans do raise animals for the sole intention of eating them. Pigs, chicken..." She pauses as she does not want to say it. She knew the day would come, but she hoped if she avoided hamburger joints and places like that, then she could maybe put off dealing with this touchy subject. But before she can say anything, Clarence finishes her sentence for her. "...and cows?" She looks into his eyes and sees the worry and the pain. She looks away as she cannot take it. "Yes, even cows." Clarence's expression goes from shocked to sad. Clarence pushes the plate of food away from him and looks down at the floor. "Is that what happened to the cows they would take away in the big truck?" Betty Lee swallows hard as she looks up at him. Since he is looking down, she does not have to make eye contact with him. "I don't know Clarence. It is possible. They could also be sold to another farm and were delivering them there." Clarence looks up at her and says "You wouldn't eat me, would you?" Tears well up in her eyes as she hears this. Everyone else at the table is equally upset by the statement. She is the first to answer. She gives him a big hug and says "Of course not. We're friends, you never eat your friends." Everyone else jumps in and says similar things to him. They all do their best to console him.
Later that day, in the hotel room, Betty Lee is helping Clarence get dressed. They are preparing for their appearance on David Letterman. She is helping him with his suit. He is looking into the mirror as he dresses and is silent. She can see the look in his eyes. The look of innocence and excitement is gone. It is replaced with sadness. Betty Lee does not know what she can do to help him. She tried talking to him, but he has clammed up. She offered him some of his favorites, including ice cream and soda pop, but his appetite is gone. "Are you sure you want to do this show?" she asks him. He keeps looking in the mirror as he simply says "Yes." With Clarence all dressed, she decides to get herself dressed. While she won't be on the show herself, she still wants to look professional. And if she is lucky, maybe she can meet David Letterman. She was a big fan of the show in college. Now, she doesn't have a lot of time to watch, but she will still watch it once in awhile. If there is a guest or musical act she really wants to see, she will tune in.
While Clarence and Betty Lee get ready for the show, Charles is talking to the men from NBC on the phone. He just finished reading the contract and wants to talk about some of the specifics.
Charles - "Hello,
Richard. This is Charles. I just finished reading the contract and want to
talk about it."
Richard - "Hello, Charles. Yes about the contract."
Charles - "Let us start with the length of the contract."
Richard - "Before we do any negotiations, I want you to know that we are not
signing anything until after his appearance on David Letterman."
Charles - "Want to gauge the interest? See if there is a spike in the ratings?"
Richard - "No, we want to see how he handles himself. After lunch, he didn't
seem like himself. We want to make sure everything is fine before we commit to
a contract of this magnitude."
Charles - "Clarence is fine. Yeah, he is a little shook up, we all go through
stuff like that. Remember when you found out Santa Claus wasn't real?"
Richard - "What Clarence went through is more traumatic than a kid finding out
about Santa. I hope you are not taking this too lightly."
Charles - "Lightly? Of course not. I have a psychiatrist lined up to talk to
him as soon as the show is over."
Richard - "That's good. Who are you sending him to?"
Charles - "Umm...I have his card here somewhere. Give me a moment."
As Richard hangs on, Charles rushes around the hotel room, looking for a phone book. He is knocking over all kind of stuff, looking for the book and making all kinds of noise. After a fruitless search, he gets back on the phone.
Charles - "I seem
to have misplaced it. I will find it and get to you with it."
Richard - "You haven't made the appointment yet, have you?"
Charles - "Of course I have. Why do you know of someone you would recommend?"
Richard - "Yes, I know of a specialist who is the best. He has help numerous
celebrities."
Charles - "That sounds great. If you want to set up an appointment, I will call
my guy and cancel it."
Richard - "I will fax over the information as soon I make the appointment."
Charles - "Great, I look forward to receiving it."
Richard - "I have to go. Let's hope for a good show."
Charles hangs up the phone and puts his head into his hands and starts rubbing his temples. As he does this, he begins to pray. "Dear God, I know that I have not been to church in ages and I know I lead a lifestyle that you do not agree with, but if you help me out here, I swear I will change. Please let Clarence be fine. Please let him sign the contract for guaranteed money. Please, please, please." He then makes a sign of the cross as he gets up and finishes getting dressed.
Clarence is waiting in the dressing room at the set of the David Letterman show. Once again, there is a lot of hustle and bustle. For the moment, it is just Clarence, Betty Lee and Charles in the room. Charles is on the phone with his boss, making sure everything is set. He is sitting in a chair off to the side, while Betty Lee and Clarence are sitting near the door. Betty Lee looks over at Clarence and says "I'm not sure what is going through your mind, but I do know that if you want to help the other cows out, the best way to do it is to become famous." Clarence looks at her with a sad look on his face. He does not say anything, but she can see in his eyes that he is not understanding what she is saying. "In the human world, famous people have a lot of influence. People listen to them and they have the power to make change. If you go through with this and get the television show and make a lot of money, then you will have the means to make changes." Clarence looks at her and says "Don't politicians make changes?" Betty Lee smiles and says "Yes they do, but you need money to become one." Clarence looks at her with an odd look and asks "Why do you need money to be a politician?" Betty Lee takes a deep breath and collects her thoughts. She is not fond of most politicians, but she does not want to taint Clarence with her opinions. "When someone runs for political office, they need to buy ads on television and the radio. They need people out there getting the message across. And that costs money. They get a lot of it from fund raising, but you need to be famous to get a lot of money from fund raising. You have an opportunity here to make a lot of money and become very famous. When you achieve both of those, you will have a great chance at politics and then you can make the changes." Clarence looks down at his feet and then back up at her. "So what should I do?" Betty Lee pats him on the back and says "I know it will be hard to do, but if you go back to the old Clarence. Try to not think about what you learned today. Instead just be fun and carefree and you will be a huge hit. The one thing you have to remember is the children look up to you. If you capture the hearts of the children, the adults will follow." A smile comes over Clarence's face. "I do like children. I will think of reading to them." She continues to rub his back as she says "That's perfect. Keep that image in your mind and you will do great."
As the two of them are talking, a man knocks on the door. "Clarence, you're on in five minutes." The two of them stand up and Betty Lee looks at his outfit and makes sure his tie is on straight. She looks him in the eye and says "Go out there and do a great job! I know you will do fine." Clarence smiles at her and says "Wish me good luck." Betty Lee reaches up and kisses him on the cheek. She then whispers "Here is a kiss for good luck." Clarence is unsure what to think of that. A shocked but happy look comes over his face as he opens the door and heads out. After he leaves, Charles walks up and closes the door. He gives her a disgusted look. "You kissed him?" She glares at him and says "So what? It was a kiss for good luck." Charles continues to make a disgusted face "But he is a cow. You aren't doing anything else, are you?" Betty Lee crosses her arms and gives him the evil eye. "Exactly what are you implying?" Most men would be smart enough to back off, but Charles is not very bright when it comes to dealing with women. "You aren't you know...sleeping with him?" This makes her blow up. "You have got to be the rudest, most disgusting man I have ever met. If you don't want to be fired as Clarence's agent, I suggest you take your mind out of the gutter and shut your damn mouth before I have it permantly shut." This time, he knows to be quiet as he sheepishly slinks out the door and heads back to the hotel. Before he closes out the door, he turns and just says "I'm sorry." While he wants to be here to see how Clarence does, the thought of being fired when he is so close to a major payday is enough for him to put his tail between his legs and run.
Clarence the Cow © 2007-2008 Tom Zjaba