Clarence the Cow
Issue #11
by Tom Zjaba
Chapter Eleven
Meeting with the Bigwigs
The limo pulls up to Elegant Gowns. Betty Lee stares out the window with the wide eyed excitement of a child. She is so excited to be going to an upscale place like this. Even with her lawyer salary, she still cannot imagine shopping at a place like this. As the limo driver comes around and lets her out, she almost knocks him over as she rushes out the door. She takes a few steps towards the front door, when a man comes out and greets her. "Hello! I am Ricardo. You must be Ms. Williams. Please come in." As she hurries in, Clarence looks out at her and smiles.
As she steps into the shop, she gasps. The place is quite spacious and features some of the most beautiful dresses she has ever seen. She stops and looks at one of the dresses. It is an elegant evening gown that looks like something a women would wear to the Oscars or the Emmys. She puts it up to her and just breaks out in a smile that goes from one ear to the other. Ricardo quickly jumps in and says "Ms. Williams, if you could come this way, I have your dresses all ready." She snaps out of her daydream and replies "Oh yeah." She then reluctantly puts the dress back and follows him. He walks up towards the dressing rooms and pulls out three dresses. One is the typical little black dress, but with some extra sparkle. The second one is a longer white dress with spaghetti straps and a black belt that brings it together. The last is a red dress that comes with matching gloves. She looks at them and says "They are all so beautiful, I do not know which one to try on." Ricardo smiles and then whispers to her "Just between you and me, NBC has already paid for all three dresses. So just decide on which one you want to wear tonight and you can take the other ones home." She looks back and forth and finally decides on the red dress. "Let me try this one on." Ricardo smiles as he hands it to her. "That was my favorite one too." She then heads into the dressing room to try it on.
Five minutes later, she comes out, looking like a star. The dress really accents her natural beauty. That and the fact that it makes her smile and she has a nice smile. "How do I look?" she asks as she does the twirl. "You look radiant. The dress is really you." She blushes as she looks at herself in a mirror. "I do look pretty good." Ricardo walks over and says "You look better than good, you look sensational." She smiles a huge smile. "I will wear this one. Can you box up the other ones?" Ricardo smiles and says "I will have them sent to your hotel room." She smiles and says "Thank you."
As she rushes out the door, Clarence is stunned. He is not sure what is different about her, but he can see a big difference. As she gets into the limo, she looks over at Clarence and asks "Do you like my new dress." He is unsure what to say, but since she seems so excited by it, he decides it is best to just nod yes. She reaches over and gives him a big hug. "I am so glad that I met you." she whispers in his ear. He smiles and says back "I am glad that I met you too." The limo takes off for their dinner engagement.
Charles is sitting in the bar in the hotel lobby. He is twirling his straw around his rum and coke and mumbling to himself. "I cannot believe they allowed my clients to go to dinner with NBC and not have me there. I have never been so humiliated in my life. If it wasn't for me, they wouldn't even have this client." He then downs his drink and slams it on the counter. "Bartender, give me another one." he says as the effects of the alcohol are starting to show. Charles has never been a big drinker. He usually drinks the so called frilly drinks like a Strawberry Daiquiri or a Pina Colada. But tonight he is pissed and he is drinking the hard stuff. His first shot was straight whiskey, but he gagged on it. So he decided on rum and cokes. Strong, but still drinkable for a lightweight like him. As he waits for his next drink, a woman comes over and sits down next to him. "You look like you could use some company." Charles smiles as he looks over at the woman. She is in her early forties and does a bad job of trying to look younger. She has her hair dyed red, but not the kind of red that mother nature would give you, but one that is obviously from a box. The hair has an orange color to it and she keeps it short and curly. She is wearing way too much makeup, especially the blue eye shadow that looks like something out of the eighties. Her lipstick is on so thick that she could be a double for the Joker. The plunging neckline of her black dress cries out for attention. And her hoop earrings are so large that you could use them to train guinea pigs to jump through hoops. But with the effects of the alcohol, Charles looks past all this and instead only sees a caring face. "Yeah, I could use someone to talk to." The bartender comes over and Charles says "Buy her a drink and put it on my tab." She smiles and says "Give me a Cosmopolitan."
The limo pulls up in front of a fancy restaurant called "The Noble Warrior." As Betty Lee steps out of the limo, she looks at the sign with a samurai warrior with his sword out. "I wonder what kind of restaurant this is?" she says as Clarence gets out. The driver closes the door and says "It is a Japanese restaurant where they cook in front of you." She smiles as she looks at Clarence. "That sounds really cool." He nods in agreement. As they begin to walk towards the restaurant, they are greeted by a man. "Welcome. I am Howard Ashman and I am so glad to meet both of you." He shakes Betty Lee's hand first and then Clarence's hoof. "If you will follow me, we have a table all ready." They both smile as they follow him into the restaurant.
The restaurant lobby is full. The Noble Warrior is a popular restaurant and the hour wait is proof of that. The lobby is also quite noisy as people are talking to each other and on cell phones. The numerous conversations all blend together into one loud buzz sound. Like a hive of bees, the sound borders on deafening. All around are men and women, dressed up to the nines for a night on the town. As Clarence enters the room, everything goes quiet. As Clarence enters the door, every single person stops and looks at the cow who just walked into the restaurant. They have no idea what to think. A few of them take pictures with their cell phones, while others just gawk. For a moment, the only sound is the "Hello, are you still there." heard on the cell phones. This is the kind of story that is only believable with hard evidence. The Maitre de, looks on in shock as he sees this very large and very well dressed animal enter his restaurant. Howard quickly speaks up "Here is our guest, Clarence the Cow, as we spoke told you about." The Maitre de does not know what to say. He just stares as Clarence says "Hello!" After a few awkward seconds of silence, he says "When you said Clarence the Cow, I expected that to be his stage name. Like Red Foxx. I did not expect Red Foxx to be a real fox, nor did I expect Clarence the Cow to be a real cow." Howard pulls out two hundred dollar bills and sticks them into the Maitre de's hand. "Just make sure we are not disturbed." With that, they head into the restaurant and towards their private room. As they walk away, the Maitre de continues to mumble to himself. "Or Dog the Bounty Hunter. No one expected him to be a real dog. It is just a name. But not Clarence the Cow. He is a real cow."
Back at the hotel bar, Charles and his new lady friend, Bonnie, are having a good time. They are singing "Those Were the Days", the theme song from All in the Family. The duet sounds like two people who had too much liquor and not enough talent. But they are both feeling really good and do not care if they are way off key. As they finish singing, she looks at him and says "So you really do know all these famous people?" He drinks down his rum and coke and smiles at her and says "Yeah, but to be honest, most of them are a pain in the ass." She breaks out laughing. "Really? They seem so nice on television and in the movies." He signals to the bartender to bring another round as he says "I work my ass off for these people and you know how many times they have said thank you?" He then holds up his fingers. He starts with three fingers, then as his hands shakes, he puts down one finger and then another, until he is holding up no fingers. "None. That's right, not one time did any of them say thanks. I make these ungrateful jerks filthy rich and not a single one has even sent me a Christmas card." She gives him a big hug and says "If you were my agent, I would not only send you a Christmas card, but I would bake you some cookies." They both break out laughing.
Back in Iowa, the farmer has a meeting with an attorney. He is driving to a neighboring town to see if he will take his case. His old pickup truck is acting up, as usual. "Just hang in there for a little longer and I will have the money to get a brand new Ford truck." he says as he tries to coax the vehicle to continue running. He rubs his hands on the steering wheel as if to comfort the truck. He grabs his bottle of whiskey and takes a big swig. He hates talking to these fancy pants men as he calls any professional that has to dress up for their profession. He always hated going to the bank for a loan. Those fancy pants bankers knew nothing about farming and all they want to do was make him beg for the money. But this time it was different. This time he is going to have the attorney begging him for the case. There is millions to be made from this deal and he knows that any lawyer would give their left arm for a case like this. He takes another shot of courage and then puts the bottle under the seat. The last thing he wants is to get arrested.
As he pulls up in front of the attorney's office, he looks at the fancy building and smiles. He always believed that you can tell the quality of a lawyer by the size of their ad in the yellow pages and by how fancy their office is. The look of this building with its fancy architecture and marble columns out front, screams out successful law firm. He looks at the name in Old English lettering, "Everton and Associates" and smiles. A man who has a fancy office like this must be very successful and he should be able to easily win this case. As he walks into the building, he is immediately greeted by a receptionist. "Hello, can I help you?" the pretty young woman with the long blonde hair asks. "I have an appointment with Mr. Everton." he says as he takes off his baseball cap. While he is uncouth in many areas, he has enough manners to remove his hat in the presence of a lady. "May I ask your name, please?" she replies as she grabs the clipboard with all the appointments on it. "It's Mitch. Mitch Davidson." She looks down the chart and sees his name. "Please take a seat and someone will be with you shortly." She points to the small room with a half a dozen chairs and a few tables with stacks of popular magazines. He walks over and sits down and looks through the magazines. Sports Illustrated, Hunting and Fishing, the same magazines they have at his doctor's office. In his mind, he thinks <Why can't one of these places carry Playboy.> Right now, he is the only person waiting in the room.
After five minutes, a well dressed man in a pin striped suit walks into the room. "Mr. Davidson, I am David Green, I will be handling your case." Mitch gets up and shakes his hand. He looks at his soft hands with perfectly manicured nails and wonders if this man ever did any hard work. They are the opposite of his rough, calloused hands. "Where is Mr. Everton? I thought he was handling my case?" Having answered this question a hundred times, David responds "Mr. Everton does handle many of the cases, but he has people like myself hear the cases and determine if they are legitimate cases." Mitch smiles and show his tobacco stained teeth as he says "Trust me, this is a legitimate case and a big money case too." David smiles back with his bleached white teeth and says "Great, we specialize in big money cases."
As Betty Lee and Clarence near the private room, the quickly greeted by an older gentleman. The man is tall and thin and has thick gray hair. His Armani suit tips Betty Lee off that he is a powerful man. That and the Rolex on his wrist. "So glad you could make it." he says as he puts out his hand. "Come in, they have just served the drinks." He points her into the room and then he shakes Clarence's hoof as he enters. "So very glad to meet you." Clarence smiles and says "Me too." He pats Clarence on the back as he walks into the room. Inside the room are three more men seated at the table. They all rise up as Betty Lee walks into the room. At first, she thought that she may be overdressed for this dinner, but after seeing these men in their expensive clothes, she now feels right at home. One of the men quickly walks over and pulls out her chair. "Thank you." she says as she sits down. She looks at the table, which has a large cooking area in the middle of it. On the opposite side, is a Japanese chef. He is setting up the food, which comes in stainless steel containers. As Clarence prepares to sit down, the man who greeted them at the door, brings over a very large and sturdy chair. It is a solid oak chair with padding on it. "I hope you don't mind, but we didn't want any accidents." They all laugh as Clarence sits down on the chair. It easily holds his bulky frame. The man then takes his seat next to the other two men and begins to speak. "Now that everyone is seated, let's get to know everyone. I am Richard Long, head of programming at NBC. To my left is Ashton Davies, our head writer. To his left is Donald Moore, our head attorney, who specializes in contracts." Betty Lee speaks up and says "I am Betty Lee Williams, Clarence's attorney and as you all know, this is Clarence the Cow." He waves his hoof at them and says "Hello!” They all wave back at him and say “Hello, Clarence.” Richard then speaks “I hope you don’t mind, but we ordered for you. If you have any allergies, please let our chef know. And we made sure not to order any beef. We don’t want to offend anyone.” Betty Lee smiles and says “No allergies here.” Richard then looks at the chef and says “Go ahead!” With that, he throws a hunk of butter on the grill and it begins to melt. Clarence’s eyes grow large as he has never seen anything like this. Realizing this, Betty Lee begins to explain to him “This man is going to cook our food in front of us.” Clarence smiles as he watches the butter melt.
A waitress comes over and asks “What would you like to drink?” Clarence does not hear her, so Betty Lee steps in. “Do you carry sweet tea here?” The waitress answers “Just unsweetened tea, but we have sugar, sweet n low, whatever you want.” Betty Lee thinks for a minute and says “How about if you bring him a Coke?” She writes it down and asks “And what about you?” She looks for a wine list and says “Just bring me a white zinfandel.” Before the waitress can say anything else, Richard interrupts and says “Bring her a bottle of the best white wine you have.” The waitress smiles and leaves. Betty Lee watches how awkward she looks in her kimono.
The chef begins to cook the food. First he throws down some chicken and shrimp. He pour some sauce on them that flares up, which really excites Clarence. It also scares him a little as like all animals, he has a built in fear of fire. Betty Lee hugs his arm and says “Don’t worry, everything is under control.” She can tell by the worried look in his eyes that the fire did scare him. He is trying not to show it, but she can see it and sense it. Already a bond between the two is forming.
As the meal continues, Clarence eats plate after plate of grilled vegetables, shrimp and even chicken. Everything is so tasty to him that he cannot get enough. Nor can he get enough of the coke. Once again, he is enjoying more human food. As he puts down his glass, he says “I so enjoy your food. I cannot believe as a cow, all I ever ate was grass. Talk about bland tasting.” The men all laugh as he says this. Richard then asks “So what was it like to go from an ordinary cow to one who could think like a human?” Clarence thinks for a minute as he is unsure how to answer it. After a few moments of thought, he replies “I really like being like a human. There is so much choice. When I was a cow, there wasn’t any choice. But now I can choose where to go, what to eat, even what to wear. It is all confusing, but very exciting.” Ashton jumps in and says “That is what we want to capture in a television show we would like you to star in." Clarence is confused by this, but Betty Lee knew it was coming. A network does not buy expensive dresses for you and take you out to a fancy dinner without an ulterior motive. "Let's hear the pitch." Betty Lee says as she puts down her glass of wine. An excited look comes over Ashton's face as she can tell he really likes this idea. "Think of the television show, Kung Fu. But instead of a Chinese monk, we have Clarence the Cow." He smiles as waits for response. Betty Lee is confused. She knows a little about the show, but is not that familiar. "So you want Clarence to be a kung fu cow?" The men all laugh at the thought of that. Donald jumps in "Well, the ninja turtles were a big hit." Ashton gives him a confused look, like he is saying "Huh?" He then turns to Betty Lee and says "No, not the fighting aspect of Kung Fu, but the journey he took. The spiritual and emotional aspects of a stranger in a strange land. We could have Clarence traveling around the country, learning about the human world, while at the same time helping people in need." Clarence smiles and nods in agreement. "I like to travel and I like helping people." Ashton gives him a big thumbs up. "See, we are on to something here." He then reaches into his bag and pulls out a basic script for the pilot. "This is a very rough draft, but it will give you an idea where I am going with this." He then hands one copy to Betty Lee and one to Clarence. The lawyer then pulls out some papers. He hands a copy to each of them. "This is a contract for both this show and other shows we have planned. We would like to get Clarence under an exclusive deal with NBC." Betty Lee takes the contract and looks it over. The two things that stand out are the five year deal and the five million guaranteed." While she knows there are stars who make that per episode, she is still blown away by it. They are obviously serious as they are throwing out big numbers from the get go. "We will have to read this over." she says as she puts the papers in her purse. "Of course, we understand." Richard says as he pours some more wine into Betty Lee's glass.
As the waitress comes over, Richard waves him over and says "Charge it to this account." He hands her a platinum credit card. The men then all get up and collect their things. The waitress then comes over and Richard fills out the amount, including a hundred dollar tip. As she leaves, he walks over to Betty Lee and Clarence, who both get up and he says "We must go. Please read over the proposal and the contract and give me a call. It was very nice meeting both of you and I look forward to hearing from you." He then hands Betty Lee a business card as he shakes her hand. He then shakes Clarence's hoof and says "Feel free to stay as long as you want. If you are still hungry or thirsty, they have my card on file. Oh and the limo will be waiting for you." The other men also come over and shake their hands. As they leave, Betty Lee looks at Clarence and says "You are going to be one rich cow!"
Clarence the Cow © 2007-2008 Tom Zjaba