Clarence the Cow
Issue #4
by Tom Zjaba
Chapter Four
Clarence Takes the Stand
The prosecution is furiously writing notes and having a
heated discussion among themselves. They were told this was an easy case. The
defense was a small time lawyer who has never had a major case. It was supposed
to be an hour or two and out the door. But now they found that she is tougher
than they expected and they have to rethink their strategy. The judge calls to
them "Prosecution, are you ready to call your next witness?" The men go over
their notes and keep talking. After a minute, the judge repeats the question,
only this time in a more upset voice. "Prosecution, are you ready to call your
next witness?" One of the men rises and says "Yes your honor, we would like to
call Mrs. Abigail Adams." There is a quick hush in the crowd as they wait for
her to rise. After a few long seconds, she rises up and walks up to the stand.
Clarence immediately recognizes her as the mother who screamed at him in the
library. He looks worried as she takes the stand. She is sworn in and then the
prosecution comes over and says "Mrs. Adams, can you tell us about your first
encounter with the defendant?" She quickly fixes her hair as she looks out in
the crowd. The cameras are pointed right at her and it makes her nervous. Also,
she sees her friends and neighbors in the crowd. There is Megan from PTA and
Nancy, her hairdresser. Then she sees her son, sitting there and looking at her.
She knows he is going to be mad at her. "I was at the library with my son. We go
up there a few times a week to get books and so he can play with the other
children. Anyway, while I was looking at some books, I saw the cow come after my
son." The lawyer looks at her and asks "When you say come after your boy, what
do you mean?" She swallows real hard and looks down as she says "He was reaching
out to grab him. I was so scared." The attorney looks back at the other
attorneys who smile in approval. He then continues "What did you do when he
tried to grab your child?" Before she tried to block out the cameras, but for
some reason now, she really notices them as they are pointed straight at her.
She also notices little Billy who has a very upset look on his face. She knows
it will take allot to make him forgive her, but she really feels she is doing
the right thing. "I ran over and pulled him away, so he would not be harmed.
Then I started to scream." The prosecutor walks past Betty Lee's table and
smiles at her. He then turns to Mrs. Adams and asks "What happened next?" She
knows that she is into he home stretch and feels a little better. "He tried to
grab me and I screamed. The librarian then came over and also began to scream.
Then someone called the police and they came and took him away." She breaths out
after she finishes. The attorney then asks "Do you feel that the defendant is
dangerous?" Mrs. Adams looks once more at Billy who is so upset that he is
almost in tears. She knows that this is going to make him even angrier but she
must do what she feels is right. "Yes, I do feel he is dangerous." The attorney
then turns to the judge and says "No other questions, your honor."
Betty Lee then stands up and walks over to the bench. "Your
honor, if you will allow me, I would like to not cross examine Mrs. Adams, but
instead call up another witness." The judge looks at her with an odd expression
and then turns to the other attorneys. "Prosecution, do you object to that?"
They look at each other and smile. They are happy that she does not want to
cross examine the witness as they felt she could shoot holes in her defense. "We
find no objection." The judge then turns to Abigail and says "You may step
down." She jumps down quickly and rushes back to her seat. She was very worried
about being cross examined by Betty Lee. After watching her take apart the
sheriff, she was scared. But now she is off the hook or so she thinks. Betty Lee
watches as she leaves and then smiles and says "Your honor, I would like to call
Billy Adams to the stand." There is some commotion as everyone is surprised at
this. The camera men and reporters who are not from this area are unsure of what
the commotion is. But when a child stands up and walks towards the stand, they
quickly make sure to zoom in. One of the reporters whispers to the camera man
"Make sure to keep on the kid, this may get interesting." As Billy heads towards
the stand, his mother stands up and yells out "Your honor, I object to this."
Judge Preston glares at her and says "On what grounds?" The mother starts
walking towards her kid as she says "He is only a child, he should not be a
witness." The prosecution is furiously trying to plan for this. They did not
expect a child to be up there and are trying to create a counter strategy.
Meanwhile Judge Preston questions Abigail "Was your child at the library that
day?" She stops in her tracks as she answers him "Yes, your honor but..." The
judge cuts her off and asks another question "Does your child know the
difference between right and wrong?" Abigail is shocked at the question. What
kind of question is that to ask a mother. "Of course he does, but..." Once
again, Judge Preston cuts her off "Then there is no problem with your son being
a witness. Now sit down so we can continue this trial." This does not stop
Abigail as she keeps walking towards her son and says "But your honor..." He
then smacks his gavel down and says "Sit down now or I will have you removed
from this court." The pounding of the gavel and the anger in his voice is enough
for her to turn around and head back to her seat.
Billy comes over and sits in the seat. He can barely see over
the top. The bailiff comes over and swears him in. The judge then turns to Billy
and asks "Billy, do you understand the oath you just took?" Billy nods his head
and says "Yes. It means I have to tell the truth." The judge smiles at the boy
as he asks "Do you tell the truth Billy?" A smile comes over Billy's face as he
says "Yes I do Mr. Judge." This brings a small chuckle to the older judge. He
then asks "Who taught you to tell the truth?" Billy stands up and points out
into the crowd at his mother. "My mother taught me to tell the truth." The judge
smiles at Billy and says "That is good." Before he can get to the case, Billy
continues "But my mommy doesn't always tell the truth." The judge's eyes grow
large as he asks "Really, what does your mommy lie about?" Billy sits up all
straight and says "I overheard Daddy say that mommy lies about having a
headache." The entire court room bursts out in laughter. Everyone is laughing
except for Billy who is unsure of what is so funny and his mother who has her
head buried in shame.
When the laughter dies down, Betty Lee approaches the stand.
"Billy, how old are you?" Billy smiles at her with his freckled face and missing
front tooth. "I am seven and a half years old." For a second, Betty Lee thinks
back to when she was a girl and she would add that half to her age. Now she
wishes she could count backwards instead of forward. "Can you tell us about the
day at the library when you first saw Clarence the Cow." Billy leans forward and
answers her question "I was looking at the new Harry Potter book. My mom says it
is too advanced for me, but I really want to read it. As I was looking at it, I
saw a cow walk into the library." Betty Lee jumps in "Is the cow you saw at the
library here today?" Billy smiles and nods as he says "Yes." Betty Lee then asks
"Can you point to the cow you saw at the library?" He stands up and points over
at Clarence. "He is right there. Hi Clarence!" Clarence smiles and waves back.
Billy then sits back down as Betty Lee continues "What happened next?" Billy
leans forward again and answers "Well, I asked him where his udders were and he
told me he was a boy cow. Before I could ask him anymore questions, my mother
pulled me away." Betty Lee comes over and asks "Do you know why your mother
pulled you away?" A sad look comes over Billy's face "She was scared of
Clarence." Betty Lee then follows it with another question "Why do you think she
was afraid of Clarence?" Billy shrugs his shoulders and says "Dunno. She is
afraid of allot of things. Bugs, frogs, mice." Laughter breaks out in the court
room again. "What made your mother scream at Clarence?" Billy thinks about it
for a minute and then answers "Clarence wanted to shake hands and this scared
mommy." Finally something that Betty Lee can use. She was hoping that Billy's
story would contradict his mother's story. "How did you know that Clarence
wanted to shake hands?" Billy smiles and says "Because he said "Hello, I'm
Clarence the Cow" as he put out his hoof to shake." Betty Lee then turns to the
judge and says "No further questions, your honor."
The prosecution then sends up one of the men who walks up to
Billy and asks "Billy, do you know the difference between a cow and a bull?"
Billy shakes his hand and says "Yeah, a cow has many udders and a bull only has
one." The courtroom once again breaks out in laughter. The attorney even laughs
a little. "Is that the only difference you know of?" Billy shakes his head and
says "Yes sir." The attorney then says "Well Billy, bulls have been known to be
dangerous. And your mommy was worried when she saw you talking to a bull. Do you
understand this?" Billy shakes his head up and down as he says "Yes sir." The
attorney continues "So you see Billy, while you may not see Clarence as
dangerous, your mother who knows more about animals was trying to protect you."
Billy cuts in "But Clarence isn't dangerous." The prosecutor tries a different
approach. "Billy has your mom ever told you to not to talk to strangers?" Billy
shakes his head and says "Yes sir." The attorney moves closer to the stand and
continues his questioning. "Do you know why she told you not to talk to
strangers?" Billy smiles and shakes his head "Because a stranger can hurt me."
The attorney smiled and kept going. "Do you believe your mom when she tells you
a stranger can hurt you?" A sad look comes over Billy's face. "Yes, I believe
her. She showed me stories in the paper about children who were taken away from
their families." The smile on the attorney's face gets bigger. He walks a few
seconds as he collects his thoughts. He then turns back towards Billy and asks
"Your mommy loves you, doesn't she Billy?" Billy shakes his head and says "Yes
she does." A few random "awww's" are heard in the courtroom. He then continues
"And you mommy does her best to keep you safe, correct?" Billy smiles and just
says "Yeah." The attorney moves closer like a shark going in for the kill. "And
would you agree that your mom knows more than you about being safe?" Billy does
not realize what is happening and just goes along "Yes, she does." The
prosecution can now smell blood and goes for the kill. "If your mom loves you so
much and tries so hard to keep you safe, then is it possible that maybe she
knows more about how dangerous bulls can be than you?" The series of questions
was intended to make Billy forget about the original questioning. He does not
realize what is happening. Billy just answers "I guess so." The attorney then
asks "Could you please answer the question with either a yes or no." Billy looks
puzzled but he complies "Umm...Yes." He then turns to the judge and says "No
other questions, your honor." As he walks back to his table, he looks over at
Betty Lee and smiles. The score is now one to one.
After that series of questioning, the judge calls for a short
recess. Betty Lee breathes a sigh of relief. She welcomes the short break to
collect her thoughts and figure out her next move. Clarence looks over at her
and asks "So how are we doing?" She musters up a brave smile and says "We are
about even." He puts his hoof on her shoulder and says "I believe in you." She
smiles at him as she thinks "If I only I had as much faith in myself."
Inside the judge's chamber, Judge Preston is drinking a
bottle of water when he hears a knock on the door. "Come in." he says as he sits
back in his chair. The door opens and in comes Governor Wallace. "Hello Sam, is
that some court case or what? Kids, animals, it really has it all." Judge
Preston takes a drink from his bottle and looks up at him. "What do you want
Dave?" The mayor just smiles at him and says "Did you see all the camera crews
out there? This is big Sam, real big." The judge leans back and says "So I
notice. Now what do you want?" The governor moves up to the desk and sits on the
desk. "Sam, it isn't every day we get press like this. I mean this is Iowa for
Christ sake. I am just down here to make sure everything goes smoothly." Judge
Preston had an idea what the governor was up to but now he is positive. "Are you
telling me how to do my job?" The governor laughs as he says "Heavens no, I
would never do that. But I just want you to think about the importance of this
case. The economic boom an animal like this cow could create could do allot of
good for the state and more importantly for this town, your town." The judge
rises and looks the governor right in the eye. "I understand the magnitude of
this case, but I also understand the job I was elected to do and nothing is
going to make me sway from that responsibility." The governor gets closer to the
judge and his smile goes away. "Let's get one thing clear, Sam. We just had a
once in a lifetime opportunity fall into our laps. The last thing I want to see
is those bumbling police kill the goose before it lays any golden eggs. If
anything bad happens to this cow, I will hold you personally responsible. Do I
make myself clear?" The judge moves closer and looks him straight in the eye. "I
understand, now get out of here. I have a case to hear." The governor smiles and
walks out of the room.
The courtroom is buzzing with excitement. There is allot of
discussion among the people in the audience. The reporters are walking around
and talking to people about their reactions to the case so far. A few reporters
are trying to talk to Clarence, but the bailiff is keeping them back. In an
instant, everyone quiets up as the judge walks back in the room. The bailiff
quickly says "All rise for the honorable Judge Preston." The entire courtroom
stands up as he walks towards the bench. As he sits down, he says "Please be
seated." He looks out and there in the front row is the governor, who winks at
him. He ignores him as he looks over at the prosecution and says "Prosecution,
please call up your next witness." One of the men stands up and says "We would
like to call up Clarence the Cow." As he says this, there is a bunch of flashing
bulbs and the sound level rises from all the people talking. Judge Preston then
yells out "Please be quiet, this is a courtroom, not a bar." And like magic, the
people all quiet down. Betty Lee whispers to Clarence "Go on up, everything will
be fine." He smiles at her and then rises from his seat. As soon as he rises,
another wave of flashes envelops the courtroom. Every camera in the place is
positioned on him as he walks on two legs. As he sits in the witness stand, he
makes it look small. While a good size, it was never meant for someone as large
as him. The bailiff slowly comes over with the bible and holds it out. Clarence
looks at it with a puzzled look. Betty Lee quickly stands up and runs over and
says "Clarence, put your hoof on the book and say I do." Clarence is unsure why
he should do this, but he nods in agreement. He puts his hoof on the bible and
says "I do." Everyone in the courtroom laughs, except the bailiff who says "Let
me say my part first." Clarence smiles and says "Sorry." The bailiff then says
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so
help you God?" Clarence looks at him and asks "Do I say it now?" He nods and
says "Yes." Clarence then smiles and says "I do."
With the oath finished, the prosecution heads up for
questioning. The man looks at Clarence, this very large bull with this
ridiculous looking tie on. He is unsure what to make of this. While he knows
that he has to do his job, a part of him is scared. There is a half ton animal
with sharp horns sitting there and looking at him. The last thing he wants to do
is make this animal upset. A part of him is relieved that he did not wear his
red shirt and tie. It is foolish for him to think that, but he cannot help but
feel like a matador, facing down a great beast. He fights back the fear and
jumps into his questioning. "Clarence, may I call you Clarence?" Clarence nods
and says "That is my name." The man smiles a worried smile and says "So when did
you find out that you could talk?" Clarence looks around the courtroom and
realizes that every eye is on him. He feels a bit nervous as he is not used to
so many people looking at him. When he was just a cow, he never really paid
attention to what the humans were doing. As long as they fed him and didn't
bother him, he could care less if they were looking at him or not. But now he is
the center of attention and it is a bit unsettling. "A few days ago, I had an
awakening." The man quickly jumps in "An awakening, could you please elaborate
on what an awakening is?" Clarence looks over at Betty Lee who is smiling at
him. He can see the worry in her eyes but she is trying to put up a brave face.
She knows that his testimony will be the deciding factor in this case. Clarence
then answers "I am not sure why I call it that, but one day I just felt
different. I could think of things that I never thought about. And I started to
think about how I wanted to learn more. So I rose up on two feet and headed to
town to seek knowledge." The attorney thinks for a second as he looks over at
his colleagues. "What made you decide to go to town to seek knowledge?" Clarence
smiles at him and says "As I was walking down the road, some young men gave me a
ride in their truck and told me that I could find knowledge at the library."
Some people in the audience laugh at this remark. Once the laughter stops, the
attorney returns to his questioning. "So you came to the library to seek
knowledge. Did you find this knowledge that you were seeking?" The smile leaves
Clarence's face as he thinks about his visit to the library. "I did see allot of
books, but before I could read any, I was taken away to jail." The attorney
walks around in a circle as he ponders his next question. "Did they say why they
were taking you away?" Clarence shakes his head left and right as he says "No."
The attorney then asks "Did you not find this odd that they would arrest you for
just going to a library to find knowledge?" Clarence looks at him with an odd
look and says "Yes." The attorney keeps the questions coming "And didn't you
find it odd that you were locked in a cage without any just cause?" Clarence is
not sure what all that means but he answers "Yes." The attorney feels confident
now and moves in. "Did you do anything to stop this imprisonment? Did you resist
in any way?" Clarence looks at him and says "I do not understand your question?"
The attorney stops for a second to rephrase the question. He forgets that he is
dealing with a cow and he may not understand the bigger words he uses. "When the
police arrested you, did you do anything to try and stop this from happening?"
Now that he better understands the question, he looks over at Betty Lee who has
a worried look on her face. Gone is the brave smile. He then looks back at the
attorney and says "Nothing."
The attorney then goes into his next barrage of questions.
"Before the police arrived, did you do anything that would give someone a reason
to call the police?" Before answering the question, Clarence looks over at Betty
Lee. She just gives him a smile of encouragement. He then looks at the
prosecutor and asks "I do not understand your question." The prosecutor takes a
deep breath and collects his thoughts. He then tries again. "When you went to
the library, did you do anything that would make people afraid of you?" Clarence
thinks for a second. He does not remember anything that he did, but he is unsure
what is upsetting to people. "Not that I am aware of." he says while showing
little emotion. The prosecutor realizes that he is not getting any answers he
wants. Either the cow is telling the truth or has been coached well. Either way,
he is not making a case. "Let's talk about when you met the young boy, Billy.
Can you tell us what happened?" Clarence looks over at Billy and his mother. He
can see that Billy is smiling at him and he smiles back. "When I entered the
library, I was amazed at all the books. As I looked around, Billy came up to me
and asked where my udders were. I told him that I was a bull and did not have
udders. His mother then came in and pulled him away." The attorney ponders the
statement for a few moments. He adjusts his glasses as he thinks about his next
question. "Do you know why she pulled her child away from you?" Clarence looks
at him with a sad look on his face. "I guess she was scared of me." The
prosecutor runs his fingers through his hair as a small smile comes over his
face. "So the mother was scared of you. How about Billy. Was he also scared of
you?" Clarence shakes his head back and forth and replies "No, he was not." The
attorney then turns his back to Clarence and looks out into the audience. "So we
have a scared mother and a boy who is not afraid of you. Can you tell me about
when the mother screamed? What caused her to scream?" Clarence cannot help but
wonder why the attorney did not pay attention to his earlier questions. The
woman already answered this. Why is he making him answer the same question. He
does not understand how a court case is handled. "I spoke to her and offered to
shake her hand." The attorney turns back to Clarence and asks "Can you show the
court how you approached the mother?" Clarence looks at him and asks "What do
you mean?" The attorney is a bit flustered by his naiveté. "Can you repeat the
words that you said to the mother and show how you offered to shake her hand?"
Clarence is puzzled by this but complies. "I said "Hello, I'm Clarence the Cow."
and then I held out my hoof like this." He then puts out his hoof for the
attorney to shake. "Can you please stand up and repeat this for the court?"
Clarence climbs out of the witness stand and walks up to the attorney. As the
attorney looks at the large bull that stands a good foot above him, he feels a
big nervous. Clarence then stands in front of him and says "Hello, I am Clarence
the Cow." He then reaches out his hoof for the attorney to shake. The attorney
reluctantly reaches out and shakes the hoof. "You can return to your seat." he
says as wipes his brow. "As the court can see, the defendant is a rather large
and imposing looking animal. It is easy to see how someone could be scared by
his presence."
As Clarence is seated, the attorney returns to his
questioning. "Let's talk about what happened next. Can you tell me what happened
after the Mrs. Adams screamed?" Clarence looks once again at Betty Lee. She just
keeps looking at him and trying to smile. He is doing fine so far, but she knows
that they will keep trying to find a chink in his armor. "After she started
screaming, another lady, a librarian came over and she started to scream as
well. Soon after that, the police came and put a rope around my neck and led me
away." Once again the attorney asks "So two women screamed. Are you sure that
you didn't do anything to provoke this behavior?" Clarence shakes his head and
says "No, I just said hello." The attorney is getting a bit frustrated. He is
hoping that Clarence slips up, but so far he has not been able to find anything.
"Did anything else happen between you and the librarian? Anything that may have
led to her screaming?" Clarence thinks for a second. So much has happened in the
past few days that he finds it hard to remember every detail. "We talked some.
And she kept staring down there." Clarence looks down as he says this. "When you
say down there, could you please be more specific?" Clarence is not familiar
with terms for sexual organs, so he decides to do his best to explain it. "Down
where a cow would have udders." The court breaks out laughing once again. The
judge bangs his gavel and says "Order in the court." The laughter dies down as
the attorney thinks about what to do with this. He walks over to the table and
confers with the rest of his team. After a minute of discussing, he turns around
and says "No further questions, your honor."
